10 days ago, I turned the Big 30!!! So hard to believe, especially because I do not feel 30 at all! Turning 30 for most women, I feel is a sad, depressing feeling and not something to look forward to. I always think of my favorite TV show, FRIENDS, when Rachel turned 30. It was a sad day for her, she cried and was unhappy about no longer being in her 20’s. It took me some time to be okay with turning 30, but I have to say I am so incredibly happy to say goodbye to my 20’s. I’m sure you are wondering why I am so joyful and excited to leave a decade of life that for most people is the time of their lives. Well, I have had some time to reflect on 30 years of life and in particular the last 10 years of my life.
The week of my birthday, I had an appointment with my therapist, Mindy. We were catching up and of course my 30th came up in conversation. Mindy has been my therapist for almost 2 years and has walked with me through some of the most difficult times in my life. She asked me an interesting question and it was a question I had not really thought much about. She asked me what I was leaving behind in my 20’s. Whoa, I had to sit there and think about it for a minute. As I sat there reflecting on her question, two things came to my mind immediately. The first was loss and the second was heartache. I began to explain that my 20’s were tumultuous for me for many different reasons. The constant theme that pervades that decade of life is loss and heartache. Let me explain each.
I experienced so much loss in my 20’s. One of the most significant losses for me was my maternal grandma passing away unexpectedly. Her death left me devastated. She and I were very close and the memories I have of her will last a lifetime. It was heart-wrenching to watch my mom say goodbye to her mom, but her strength through it all was amazing! My family also experienced a lot of loss and deep wounds by the church. From affairs of church staff, to watching people who claim to love Jesus treat my family so poorly and finally watching friends turn their back on me and my family, loss was seemingly everywhere in my life.
Then there was heartache. Man, oh man, heartache probably doesn’t fully describe the last 5 years of my life. In 2008, I thought I had met the man of my dreams. We were engaged to be married in 2009. Three months before our wedding day, he called it off. Devastated doesn’t even begin to describe what I felt. I didn’t understand why, I was hurt, angry and embarrassed. I felt completely blind-sided and my world crumbled. Making that phone call to my parents was so incredibly difficult. Through a lot of prayer, reading my Bible and going through counseling, I began to pick up the pieces of a shattered dream. Then two years later, I met another man who I was certain was the one for me. Everything about how we met, to dating and getting engaged was perfect, or at least so I thought. We got engaged on our 1 year anniversary in 2012 and planned to marry in November that year. It was like dejavu for me. Everything was feeling eerily similar to what I had experienced in 2009, even down to sitting on the bed talking. Two months before our wedding, I was being told we needed to postpone the wedding. Every single emotion I felt 3 years prior came flooding back. Well, 10 days later, there was no postponing only completely calling it off. Again, I was left even more devastated this time and like my entire world was completely over. Left yet again to pick up the pieces of my life. Another shattered dream and even more heartache.
I’m sure you are thinking, wow this is a really depressing blog post! I promise there is a reason behind me telling you part of my story. A week before my birthday at my huddle group, we were asked a question and it was a question none of us could answer. The question was, what is one word you would use to describe your life? A pretty hard question to answer. After I left that night, I began to really ponder this question and I knew what word I would use to describe my life. The word I believe God gave me is favor! Even though my 20’s were marred by loss and heartache, I can look back and see God’s overwhelming favor over my life. Despite all of the junk, my family has encountered within the church, I have not become bitter or walked away from it. If anything, God has used those experiences to shape me and allow me to extend grace and mercy. I also look back over the last 5 years and I firmly believe God rescued me from not one, but two marriages not meant for me. God allowed me to experience his severe mercy. He allowed the pain and devastation, but it was temporary. He spared me from marrying two different men, who are not bad men, just not God’s man for me! I am beyond thankful for his severe mercy and for rescuing me! I do not know why I have so much favor over my life, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
2014 started with a promise from God and it has become my verse for the year. Isaiah 43:19,”Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth. Do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.” As I begin this new decade of life, I am so excited and filled with hope for all that God is going to continue to do in and through me. Bring on the 30’s! I believe the best is yet to come!
Radiant Hope 